My collective impressions of the new controls.

Former Nat'l Geographic/MSNBC reporter Peter Arnett can stay in Baghdad for all I care. I bet the Iraqi press would give him a job. He's acting like he works for them already. I don't care if he won a Pulitzer prize.

The 2003 Major League Baseball season is officially under way, and the Red Sox play their first game tonight in Tampa Bay.

It's snowing here in Boston.

So I spent most of the weekend in Lowell, I didn't go to the Cape. I got to see the Lowell Lock Monsters get spanked by the Hartford Wolfpack 4-1 in an exciting AHL regular season game on Saturday night.

I passed on the opportunity of a lifetime to actually meet the Mayor of Lowell on Sunday morning. She was at the grand opening of a little store in downtown Lowell that we happened to be in. Very exciting.

In my blog of 3/28/2003 I alluded to the fact that Heineken is a German beer. It's not. It's Dutch. I knew it was brewed in Holland, I don't know why all of a sudden I forgot that fact. My bad.

So another typical Friday night is in progress; the theme is loosely based around Maker's Mark bourbon and Wendy's 99 cent cheeseburgers. Ahh...the good life.

I hope all the Boston war protestors don't screw up any plans I might have to go to the Cape tomorrow. Grr...

A growing number of German restaurants are no longer selling Coca-Cola, Budweiser, American whiskey, or even taking American Express cards as a form of payment. That's cute, I guess I'm going to have to stop drinking Heineken and Beck's. Like I can afford those beers anyway.

Someone I know has stopped drinking her favorite Grand Marnier because the French are being cheese-eating surrender monkeys, err, I mean they're being uncooperative.

So without much fanfare, the Great Plant Revolt of '03 has ended.

For the average citizen of the 4th floor, the strike's consequences were not as severe as predicted. No babies were deprived of milk, no barefoot children roamed the streets, and local residents, though inconvenienced, were not without food, lights or heat.

The coffee maker standoff ended shortly after 4:30pm EST on Wednesday when soldiers from my elite 12th Marine Expeditionary Force, after repeated calls for the rebels to surrender, stormed the kitchen with tear gas and flash grenades. After a short and decisive battle, where as many as 7 ELC spices may have been injured, my elite troops claimed victory and arrested the perpetrators. Click here.

Charlie, this conflict ends NOW.

(This storyline has gotten way too silly, even for me.)

OK, now they've pushed me too far.

I'm just getting word that a radical group of spices who call themselves the 'Ejército de Liberación Carlos' (Charlie Liberation Army) has seized control of the coffee maker in my kitchen. My agents tell me that this group has sympathetic ties to the plant revolution and is threatening to pour maple syrup into the coffee maker water reservoir if Charlie's demands aren't met.

This is a totally unacceptable situation. I'm now heading into a meeting with my Local Security Advisers to discuss my options. Click here.

This is an interesting development. They plants are picketing my front door. Click here.

What's this 'Free Charlie' stuff? It's like he's in a cage or something.

I'm starting to get tired of this situation.

I could hear the plants singing songs of solidarity during the night:

"When Charlie was in Egypt-land...let my Charlie go..."

This is an image an AP photographer just took of what I have to deal with: Click here.

My plants are revolting against me. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

I'm not sure how this will adversely effect my day to day operations.

Great. How much longer is this going to take? I've got more important things to do like watch Miami Vice reruns on TNN.

Man, I hate revolutionary jargon.

(But I did love the comic strip Bloom County.)

So this is what it has come down to, Charlie? What about détente?

Suppose that's me?

Oh really?!

Charlie, is there something you want to say to me? I can see you staring at me out of the corner of my eye.

I ran into an old roommate of mine named Megan on the street today, it had been at least 5 years since I had last seen her. She said she recognized me because I looked the same as I did when we had shared an apartment years ago.

Jen and Alex thought that remark was really funny because even though I had spent the night sleeping on the floor, my hair was sticking up, and I had not showered or shaved, Megan said I looked just like I did when we were roommates.

A note in my own defense, I can produce solid character references who can attest to the fact that I did not assume the aforementioned description on a daily basis while I lived with Megan. Maybe on weekends, but certainly not every day.

So I never made it home last night. Scandalous, I know.

Yesterday evening I met up with some people for some fondue-action over at our friend Sarah's place in Brookline. To her credit, that small gathering has been the social and entertainment highlight of my weekend.

I ended up staying at Alex and Jen's apartment, and for some unknown reason I got up at 8am. I hope Liberty reads this and brings some tasty food over here to us. That would be really, really, REALLY, cool of her.

Actually, anyone bearing food at this point would be welcomed.

"If you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love."

What the hell does that mean? That just makes no sense.

Another 70+ degree day here in the Hub of the Universe.

As Lori was saying to me earlier today, does Wall Street like certainty or what? The Dow ended up 235 points today and is up 1000 points in 8 days. I bet it keeps going up. Jeepers.

The media keeps saying what a confusing time this is in the Middle East. I don't know what they're talking about. Here's how I see it, nice and simple: Member countries in the UN are like "You've Got to Change Your Evil Ways" to Iraq, but later France and some other countries get all "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" on everyone. The US says you gots to "Fight For Your Right" and gets together with the UK and Spain to be all "With or Without You" to the rest of the UN Security Council. So Saddam sees this and gets all Pat Benatar in our face and is like "Hit me With Your Best Shot" so this afternoon GW was like "Whoop, there it is! Whoop, there it is!" all over downtown Baghdad.

In Baghdad, NBC's Peter Arnett said the skyline of Baghdad has changed because huge palaces and government buildings that were there 20 minutes ago were just blasted away by the U.S. 'Shock and Awe' air campaign.

In the footage I saw you could hear the cruise missiles(or maybe jets, but I don't think they would be flying low enough to be heard) flying over head, and then ka-boom!

Scary stuff.

The real-time battlefield aspects of this war are truly unreal. 12 years ago we had spotty, sketchy live footage from Baghdad rooftops and Kuwait, and most of the battlefield video we did see was not live but taped. This war I'm sitting on my couch in Boston, MA watching real-time live CNN color footage of M-1 tanks and helicopters of the U.S. 7th Armored Cavalry Division hauling-ass in a 10-mile wide path across the sunny desert of southern Iraq, virtually unopposed. And the whole time the CNN reporter is giving a running narration. Several times the tanks have cruised past actual Bedouin goat herders who just stop and stare in utter amazement at these massive machines screaming across the sands. Talk about 21st century anachronisms. I saw at least one U.S. soldier wave to a herder.

BUT, What is CNN gonna do if they run into a pocket of Iraqi resistance? Are we gonna see big American tanks blowing up Iraqis on live TV? If you had friends or family in the 7th Cavalry would you be watching this? What if the U.S. forces take enemy fire and receive casualties? Is that something CNN should be broadcasting live? Where are they going to draw the line?

Don't get me wrong, I like the real-time footage but if they come under fire I hope the CNN crew is smart enough to get out of the way and hide and not continue filming.

Even though I do think that war is a serious business, I have noticed at least 3 slightly humorous events while watching the various network coverage over the last 24 hours:

1. Late last night Tom Brokaw had been on for a while and it was definitely showing. He was interviewing some former Army General or somebody and asked him a question like "Has there been any technological innovations since the last war 12 years ago that will make this war any easier for our troops?" I'm thinking: No Tom, all technological progress was put on hold in 1991 because we thought there's no way it can get any cooler than this. The General he was talking to paused for a second and gave a "what a dumb question" look before regurgitating some canned military answer about the military uses of technology blah blah blah...

2. This morning I think it was a reporter with CNN who when asked where he and the Infantry Division he is with would be going today arrogantly said something like: "I have been thoroughly briefed on today's very detailed battle plans, but because of the security risks to our troops I cannot relay them to a civilian news agency". I agree on the security aspect of his statement, but he made it sound like General Tommy Franks runs all his tactical strategies by him first before deploying any tanks or jets.

But the best part was how this guy ended his report: "Even though I can't tell you about our confidential and dangerous mission for today, I can tell you that these guns behind me will not be firing again at Iraqi targets anytime soon." And not 5 seconds after he said that they all opened up and started blasting away. Back to you Connie.

3. FOX had some expert on who had this really cool system that had pieced together all these various satellite photos of the Middle East so you could get views from space or zoom in all the way down to street level if you wanted. He was showing all these very detailed maps of Baghdad and cruising around pointing at the various labeled targets. The network goes to a commercial and when they come back the FOX guy wants to see what targets they can see in Northern Iraq. So the expert grabs the mouse on his system and starts cruising around at a very up close, very detailed view for targets in Northern Iraq.

Now I'm not an expert, but when the mouse passed a city named Cairo that had huge, visible Pyramids next to it I was pretty sure we weren't in Iraq (or Kansas) anymore. But because the expert was talking to the FOX guy at the time, he didn't see them! He kept saying things like "let me adjust this", "just a second", and "oh, here we go" as if we were now near Northern Iraq. We weren't. Finally he zoomed all the way back out and they both laughed, "Ha ha, we're not bombing Egypt, ha ha". Nice job Mr. Expert-dude.

Lori didn't appreciate the little jab I took at her at the end of the Charlie story yesterday. But I did. Hee-hee.

In an unrelated story, Lori, using her infinite powers of craftiness and persuasion, was able to procure the entire first season of the show 24 on DVD yesterday. It's a total of 6 discs; 20+ hours of viewing.

We've had Disc 1 in the top spot of our Netflix queue for over 6 months but it seems to be eternally unavailable due to its popularity. Now that we've been forced to use a private source for the much sought-after 24 DVDs we're gonna need a new No.1 for our Netflix account. Yeah, I know, what tough problems I have.

Yup. We're officially a country at war.

I was painting when I heard the news reports last night about the first cruise missile attacks on Baghdad.

I chose to perform an act of creation while my country was performing an act of destruction.

Wow. What a statement. That's just dripping with irony and contrast. And over-dramatic stupidity on my part for even writing it.

Relax Charlie, I was getting to it.

I walk in the door this afternoon and here is what I see before mine eyes: To my right Lori is sitting in the chair talking on the phone. In front of me is Charlie, flopped over on the floor, his pot knocked over, dirt spilled out on the floor, leaves and trunk all contorted and in a general state of higgedly-piggedly.

I lose my mind (temporarily) and start screaming at Lori about why she's not doing anything to aid poor Charlie in his time of need. I immediately give Charlie a quick once-over and determine that he has not suffered any life threatening injuries, though a couple of leaves look worse for wear.

After Charlie fell over about a month ago he has been propped up by the table next to him. I must admit that I recently noticed that he had been sliding/creeping towards the corner of the table in his quest to reach the life-giving sunlight, which in turn was jeopardizing his fragile vertical support system. Apparently at some point this afternoon, Charlie crossed the Rubicon and disaster ensued. Anyway, he's now tied to the table so he's going to have to flip the whole thing over with him the next time he challenges gravity.

Yeah, I yelled at Lori for something that was not her doing. I admit it was in haste. Historically, that makes the score:

Lori 279
Al 1

(Ooh, I'm gonna pay for that one.)

WHAT!!?? Lori just said that while I was out at the gym the Bruins announced that they had fired Head Coach Robbie Ftorek. Just last week Bruins GM Mike O'Connell said that he would wait until the end of the season to make a coaching change if necessary. So much for that. What a stupid thing to do at this point in the season.

The parade of Head Coaches in and out of the NHL continues.

Something Dana Carvey said on the Tonight Show last night got me thinking:
"If Oranges are called Oranges, how come Bananas aren't called Yellows?"

Yeah, how come?

So I heard on MSNBC that they are calling this war Operation "Liberty Shield". Bor-ing. I liked "Desert Storm"; it had a certain ring to it. How about Operation "Smackdown in the Sand" or even Operation "Desert Smiley Face"? They could market the heck out of those.

What are we going to call this war?? Gulf War II? The 2nd Persian Gulf War? That Other Persian Gulf War? I have yet to hear CNN or anybody place any type of label on this action. Maybe it will come out after it's over. I'm pretty sure that 12 years ago they had the name all set to go before any coalition soldier set foot in Iraq.

Latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll data I just heard:
65% of Americans for the war
30% of Americans against the war

I guess the remaining 5% is waiting to see how things turn out.

Still on the brink of war, are we, say I.

I'm starting a new book today, The Founding Fish by John McPhee. It's all about the American shad-Alosa sapidissima-and its relevance in American history. This book will fit nicely on the bookshelf right next to Cod - A Biography of the Fish That Changed the World by Mark Kurlansky.

These are threatening times we find ourselves living in.

But I do find myself intrigued by a particular item that seems to be consistent with all the war correspondents stationed in the Middle East. I like the way they all pronounce the city and country of Doha, Qatar (dough-ha, cut-ter).

They all say it as one word (doughhacutter) like it's a race to see who can say it fastest. It kind of just rolls off the tongue (doughhacutter). I remember the first time I heard a reporter sign off from there, I had no clue as to what just came out of their mouth. I knew Qatar(cut-ter) was a country over there in the Persian Gulf, but I had no idea as to its pronunciation.

Those news agencies remaining in the war zone are no dummies and are in Qatar for a reason: They are sticking close to the U.S. Central Command that happens to be located in Doha, Qatar. It's where Gen. Tommy Franks will run the war. My guess is that it is pretty well guarded.

It is downright warm today in Boston. My outside thermometer says 71 degrees. A great day for laundry and food shopping. Maybe I'll start another painting. Or read a book. Or do the crossword from Sunday's Boston Globe Magazine. Or bore everyone reading this with the mundane details of my day.

I can honestly say I did absolutely nothing today.

I must say riddles are abound on this blustery winter day.

Not 15 minutes ago, while I am sitting on the couch, I hear the faint siren of a distant firetruck. Not so strange, there's a fire station nearby on Tremont Street. The siren gets louder and louder; still, not too strange as the trucks sometimes cruise by my place on their way to wherever they are going. At the apex of the siren noise I hear the distinct sound of down-shifting gears and then the noise airbrakes on large trucks make when they are stopping. Hmmm. The loud siren seems to have stopped. I look over at the window and I can see flashing lights from something down below on the street. Hmmm. Interesting. And I can hear what sounds like the idling engine of a firetruck. Call me Sherlock Holmes, but I would have to guess that there's a firetruck parked downstairs. I decide it might be in my best interest if I go take a look-sie.

I discovered that I have a mental checklist already prepared (who would of thought?)for when you look out the window of your 4th floor apartment and see the Ladder truck from the local fire station parked outside your front door. I quickly assessed the situation:


-I don't smell anything burning.

-I don't see any smoke or flames (at least not in my apartment, so I didn't start it).

-I don't hear wailing smoke alarms going off.

-There are no reporters downstairs or TV station vans with huge satellite rigs parked on the corner.

-Did I leave the iron on? That definitely can't be it.

A new development is that I see another firetruck pulling up next to the one that's already down there. (It's smaller than the Ladder truck, so that's sort of comforting.) I can see people in the building across the street looking out their windows to see what's going on. I hope they're not looking at me and thinking "Jump you fool! Jump!". So to recap, there are two idling firetrucks and lots of flashing lights outside my front door and at this moment I'm thinking maybe Gollum is torching the neighborhood. I'm watching the trucks and waiting for something to happen when two firemen, one from each truck, get out and start talking. One of them has a book or something in his hand that they keep looking at. Then I see what this is all about. It's a map. They are cruising around making sure all of the fire hydrants are clear of snow. But why would they have the sirens and lights on??!! They eventually get a leaf-blower or something and clear off the hydrant outside. Then they sit there for another 45 seconds or so before taking off. I then go check the smoke alarms in my apartment. They are all A-Ok and Five by Five.

I am hoping tomorrow will be less eventful.

The gym did not make it onto my final schedule today. I'll do some crunches and pushups here in my cozy apartment. A cop out, yes, but I did send out 5 resumes this morning and I just got back from doing some errands around town so the day has not been a complete loss.

Here's a weather update: It's not just snowy outside, it's snowy and windy. What a comfortable combination. The snow seemed to be blowing directly into my face on both legs of my walkabout.

As I was headed back to my apartment I came across a section of sidewalk that was covered with barefoot footprints in the snow. They looked authentic, not some type of plastic footprint maker that kids would strap on their feet. I can't explain it; maybe Gollum has moved into my neighborhood.

Man, the snow has really picked up in the last half hour. And Lori just left for the Cape. Eek. She has to go down there for the day and do some errands. I think she'll be OK, she's tough.

To go to the gym, or not go to the gym. That is the question.

I'm contemplating doing one of two things after I get finished typing this entry:

The first thing is that lately I've been messing around with watercolors and painting some basic landscapes. I could go set that stuff up and get going on a new work. My other option is to play a little 'Grand Theft Auto: Vice City' (GTAVC) on my Sony PlayStation2. Art or Video Game, Art or Video Game, Art or Video Game????? To place the two options into such tiny confines as 'Art' or 'Video Game' is not really fair as some consider my skillful playing of GTAVC as a work of art in itself.

I just got back from the gym. It's 53 degrees outside yet my friendly neighborhood weatherman is forecasting 3 inches of snow for tomorrow.

I can't wait to go to the Virgin Islands in May.

Here, I've got one:

Q: What's 'Charlie' short for?

A: Because he's got no legs.

Also, the New England Patriots signed ex-Chicago Bears outside linebacker Rosevelt Colvin on Tuesday. This is huge!! The Pats are adding one of the most sought-after free agents on the market and improving their wicked weak pass rush. The terms were not disclosed so I have no idea what it cost them to sign this guy. A very good move by Bill Belichick.

So the Bruins did end up making some moves by the 3pm NHL trade deadline. They got two 30-year old defensemen in separate trades. Whoa, watch out NHL, the Bruins aren't foolin' around anymore.

Boston acquired Dan McGillis from the San Jose Sharks for a Second-round pick in the 2003 Entry Draft, and Ian Moran from the Pittsburgh Penguins for a Fourth-round pick in the 2003 Entry Draft. It's a start, but these two new guys are hardly the final pieces in the 2002-2003 Boston Bruins Stanley Cup puzzle.

What really hurts is that the other Eastern conference teams continued to improve their squads by making key acquisitions:

Just before 3pm Ottawa added Bryan Smolinski from the Kings, Toronto added yet more veteran playoff experience by getting Phil Housley from Chicago and Doug Gilmour from Montreal. The Capitals went out and swapped Sergei Berezin from Chicago for a 4th round pick.

The die has been cast, all the pieces are in place, NHL rosters have been filled in, no more moves this season. The Bruins will probably end up playing the NJ Devils in the first round of the playoffs. They'll be lucky to get 2 wins.

My theory is that it's those stupid yellow jerseys that the Bruins wear on special occasions. They're bad luck. Lose the Winnie the Pooh sweaters and Joe-Thornton-skating-around-the-Fleet-Center-with-Lord-Stanley's-Cup-proudly-hoisted-over-his-head here we come.

The NHL trade deadline ends today at 3pm and this is a fast and furious time for hockey fans. Teams that think they have a chance in the playoffs trade prospects and future draft picks for missing talent that will make their teams complete for a solid playoff run. Teams that are obviously out of contention and have thrown in the towel dump wasted talent and salary for future draft picks and top prospects.

If the season ended today the Boston Bruins would be in the playoffs. The Bruins need defense very badly if they want to make it out of the first round. And what have the Bruins done to help themselves?? Nothing. AND THERE'S BEEN SOLID DEFENSEMEN FLYING ALL OVER THE LEAGUE THIS WEEK!! Almost every playoff team in the Eastern Conference has been retooling and plugging the holes to make themselves more formidable:

Deals made as of 1:30 Tuesday:

OTTAWA - Rob Ray, Bob Wren, Joey Tetarenko
NEW JERSEY - Richard Smehlik, Grant Marshall
WASHINGTON
PHILADELPHIA - Dmitry Yushkevich, Claude Lapointe, Tony Amonte
TORONTO - Owen Nolan, Glen Wesley
TAMPA BAY
BOSTON
NY ISLANDERS - Randy Robitaille
NY RANGERS - Anson Carter, Alexei Kovalev

When will I learn?????

That's a pretty bold statement coming from someone with no arms or legs.

Man, I am parched. I think I shall get myself a nice tall glass of cool refreshing water.

Pretty slow week, I must say. This afternoon I taught Lori some basic HTML tags so she can make her eBay auctions look prettier.

That's it for me folks, you've been a great audience. Thank you! Don't forget to tip your waitresses and try the Veal special, I'm outta here! Have a great weekend! Thank you!

Al "From the Hood and Mis-under-stood" has left the building.

Well I've been lookin' real hard, and I'm tryin' to find a job, but it just keeps gettin' tougher every day.

The endlessness of the sea comforts me.

I don't know who said this, but I agree.

It's official. The "Robbie Ftorek Watch" is on here in Boston. The Bruins Head Coach's neck is definitely on the chopping block after the game the B's played last night versus Vancouver. Boston has to have the worst defense in the NHL. Ugh, it's so awful to watch.